Love of Two for the Price of One

Bored, I lie in front of the TV, flipping through channels. I don’t even know what I want to watch. My  subconscious fixes on a series. I think it’s about love. I rummage through a bowl of popcorn, which I can balance on my belly without using my hands. However, there’s no one to showcase this talent to. The desire for a partner becomes increasingly urgent.

With my current sense of loneliness, I immediately confide in the couch and the sideboard. They  remain silently understanding.

I should make an effort. Meet someone. Take a chance, I put a second bag of popcorn into the microwave.

Or perhaps go for a safer bet. Through acquaintances, colleagues, I sip some wine.

No, I won’t waste time. I’ll buy it! Resolutely, I lie down again and cover myself with warm popcorn.

Here we go! I try to park in front of a large department store adorned with pink ribbons.

It’s crowded everywhere. Hostesses are smiling and shouting over one another. I’ve already received three flyers. Today is a big sale. They promise up to seventy percent discounts.

“Good afternoon, do you have a little love for me?” I blurt out to the first lady who looks like she works there.

“How dare you?!”

“Sorry, my mistake, how dare you,” I push her aside because she’s blocking my way into the elevator.

One, two, or three, I decide between the heart counts, which presumably indicate the floors.

Probably three, they’ll have the most love there, I press the button. To my surprise, the elevator moves downward, to the basement.

“Good afternoon, do you sell here?” I ask a woman at a large counter, just to be sure.

“No, I’m waiting for the tram here,” she stares at me blankly.

“I’d like some love.”

“Everyone wants that, young man. For what age?”

“I don’t understand.”

“We have it for nine to twelve, thirteen to sixteen, and sixteen to nineteen,” she recites dully.

“Well, probably not. You see, I’m over forty.”

“Sir, then you need to go to the first heart,” she waves her hand as if shooing away a pesky fly.

There aren’t many people on the floor. I can shop stress-free.

“Good afternoon, I’d like to find love for someone over forty. Can you help?”

“Fill out this form,” an older woman replies curtly, handing me some papers.

“A form? Why a form?” I scan the twenty questions with my eyes.

“If you don’t fill it out, you’ll end up like…” she points to a long line of people at the complaints department.

“Fine, and if I do answer, then what…?”

“Our analytics department will evaluate it and sell you love tailored to your needs.”

“How much will it cost?”

“Well, love is expensive these days,” she smiles.

“Alright, but the whole thing seems like a very long process,” I think about the best possible answer to  the first question on the form.

“Yeah, it takes a bit longer nowadays. The faster the times, the slower it arrives.”

“And there’s no way to speed this up somehow? You know, I’m getting older and…”

“Well, try the internet, young man. We have an app on our website, and you can download as much love as you want,” she turns the monitor to me and clicks on the e-shop icon.

“No, thank you. That’s exactly what I didn’t want, which is why I came in person. I was thinking of something more like a glance into the eyes, a light touch of hands, without prejudice, without…”

“Hmm, we used to have affection for this age, but unfortunately, it’s gone out of fashion. Maybe in a  few years,” she looks at me with a sad gaze.

“But it will be too late by then!”

“Look, young man, I shouldn’t say this, but you have kind eyes, so I’ll give you some advice. First, clean up all the clutter in front of your heart so someone can actually reach it, and second, think about whether you really want to own love if you’re trying to buy it.”

“Excuse me, what clutter?” I protest.

“I’ve worked here for a long time, and believe me, only those who’ll never have eyes like that are the ones who buy.”

I slam the door. Instead of love, I bought wine and popcorn. I greet the sideboard and settle down on the couch.

Maybe next time. I close my eyes.

She came. She’s beautiful. She’s smiling.

I take her hand and invite her into my heart.

“I didn’t expect you. Please come in. And don’t take off your shoes.”