How to Pick Up a Woman

There are so many! Small, tall, intriguing, fiery, funny, hardworking, partnered, tidy, unattached… Women! Most of them I like. I inhale their scents. However, I’m allergic to musk… and that’s a big problem. My eyes are always red like an Angora rabbit’s. I have a slight issue with introductions.

Even when I manage to get closer to a woman without her cautiously handing over her wallet or preemptively calling for help, I don’t know how to start a conversation. I’ve read a lot about it and think I should be able to manage, but every time push comes to shove, I fail.

I enjoy discussing picking up women with two friends who are experts in the field. Truth be told, I’d love to learn from them. Gábor uses all sorts of evasive maneuvers and storytelling, while Jozef goes straight for the goal.

Gábor recommends the “Pretend to Be Her Childhood Friend” method. He claims it’s worked for him several times.

“Shout the three most common female names. Tip: They’re Liu, Zhang, and Li. If she doesn’t respond to any of them, that probably isn’t her name. That means you have an advantage because you already know what she isn’t called. Start shouting something else, like the current weather forecast. In such situations, ninety percent of subjects will react. After that, you’ll need a high level of improvisation. Your goal is to deduce from her appearance which elementary school she attended. At the same time, you must convince her that you’re also a woman and the same age as her. Once you’ve done that, it’s easy to conclude you went to school together and shared wonderful experiences. You’ll evoke nostalgia, and she’s yours.”

“That’s nonsense!” objects Jozef.

“A better method is tailing. You have to stay on her heels. To reduce the subject’s initial fear, use cover such as lampposts, bushes, or dumpsters. Later, you can try stepping out of the shadows, but I still recommend using something like a newspaper. Remember, don’t use a porn magazine; it could end the tailing before it starts. Next, shorten the distance to about three meters. She’ll get used to you so much that if, for instance, you get sick and can’t follow her for a few days, she’ll start to miss you. It’s like a Pavlovian reflex. You teach her she’s never alone, and that’s addictive. This method almost always leads to contact, where the subject takes the initiative. Her questions like, ‘What do you want?!’ or ‘Are you a creep?!’ or ‘Are you looking for someone?’ are opportunities for you to shine. The downside is that this method is time and money intensive. If the subject travels, you travel. If she shops, you shop…”

“Yeah, because I have nothing better to do. This could take a year,” interrupts Gábor.

“It’ll be faster if you play the poor soul. Learn to cry on command. Practice looking dejected everywhere you go. Convince yourself you’re utterly incapable, know nothing, and no one likes you. When interacting with the subject, start every second sentence with an ‘Aaaah.’ Begin every first sentence with the word ‘pity.’ At the first sign of resistance, immediately start crying. Many subjects respond to this approach because it triggers their instinct to care for you.”

“Sure thing!” Jozef retorts.

“Men are already too feminized these days. My most effective method is ‘Ignore Everyone.’ Speed is key. Whenever the subject isn’t looking at you, feel free to observe her to your heart’s content. But as soon as she looks your way, immediately gaze off into the distance with a dreamy look. To check if she’s watching you while you’re staring into the horizon, use the ‘Skyba Eye.’ Invented by Dr. Skyba, a master pickup artist, this technique involves keeping your head facing the horizon while your eyes are strongly angled toward the subject. It hurts, but there’s no other way. This approach usually makes her feel uncertain. She wonders why you’re not interested. Ignore her and wait until she initiates contact. Once she does, drop your indifference and turn toward her, but don’t forget to switch off the Skyba Eye. This method is so effective that many men end up with permanent Skyba Eyes.”

“This is tough. I need to think about it in the restroom,” I think to myself as I leave the table. Catching fragments of Gábor and Jozef’s ongoing debate, I overhear:

“Imagine a tiny director sitting on your shoulder. Every time an interesting woman walks by, he screams, ‘Action!’ into your ear.”

“That’s nothing! I’ve invented new opening lines: ‘Have you ever been alone in a gym?’ or ‘Are you glad to be here?’ or ‘Would you like to be called Joe?’” Jozef proudly announces with a grin.

Returning from the restroom, I see the guys playing rock-paper-scissors. Quietly, I sneak back to the table, suspecting they’re up to something. They’re murmuring about something.

“You lost. You tell him!” Gábor orders.

“Easy for you to say,” Jozef shakes his head.

“What’s so hard about it? Just tell him… honestly. No method works for him.”

“With that face of his…”

“Stop! You can’t say it like that!” Jozef reprimands.

“Fine,” Gábor whispers.

“We’ll get him an inflatable doll. He’ll figure it out.”